I can never return here

May 24th, 2009
Photoshop and drawingtablet

There is this place I know, where the rules of our world do not seem to apply. It is a place where isolated clumps of land take to the air, while clouds drift by below. More importantly, it is a place where the present seems to reach out, and touch the past. Or at least, that is how it seems to me. I can't explain it any other way...

I sometimes go there, when I need to escape this reality. While in my own world the past tends to haunt me, in this place it comforts me. It does not remind me of my mistakes. Of the times when I was weak. Or of the injustices others did to me. It does not wake me up, screaming in the middle of the night, showing me the faces of my friends and family in the agony of their deaths... Or worse...

No, out here the past does not torture me like that. Instead it only comes to me as the memories I almost forgot. The smiling face of my mother. The reassuring grin of my father as I first attempted to fly. I am surrounded by my family, and my friends, most of whom had long gone. We stand and look at each other smiling, almost not wanting to believe in this miracle. No words are spoken. It is as if everyone finally understands. All pain is forgotten. All quarrels are gone. There is only gladness for being able to finally lay eyes on each other once more. To just be close to one other.

It is true what they say, you know. You don't know what you have, until you lose it. And often it is through our own actions that we lose what we love most.

And yet none of this matters here. All seems to be forgiven and forgotten. Finally we cannot take it any more. We spread our wings and leap. After all, when words run short, our kind's only way to express our emotions is to race each other through the skies as fast as we can. Our wings beat furiously and the wind rushes through our feathers. Left and right, above and below me I see those familiar faces speeding along. Laughing. Joking. Celebrating. Dancing.

In the distance, yet more Avians are flying, or are engaged in calmer activities. After all, the race does not suit everyone of us. It suits me just fine, though. Everything seems to blur in the exuberance of the race, and I almost lose track of where everyone is. In a way, I almost forget which one of us is me. I seem to stand outside of my own body, and I see myself fly. And I see myself laugh so much, that I almost can't believe that it is me. I can't remember the last time I laughed like that. It is so tempting to just stay here for ever.

But I won't. And I'll tell you why that is. I stopped questioning why the past seems so tangible in this place. I simply just came to accept it, but during one particular flight I noticed from the corners of my eyes, that there also were other Avians flying with us. Avians who I didn't know. After a while I finally recognized them for what they were. They were neither faces from the past, nor the present, but of the future. They were the faces of those, yet unborn or too young to be out here with us. And yet here they were. Shimmering images of things, apparently yet to come. So happy. So strong. So confident. Not a care in the world, other than the desire to win this race. To catch up, to overtake us. Challenging us for our lead positions.

I came to realize that this place, this strange little refuge of mine, is a place where the boundaries, which normally separate space and time, must be exceptionally thin. It is what allows the past to reach out, and the future to reveal itself. At first I only noticed the past, probably because I had spent too much time thinking about it. Now I see that I was literally stuck in the past. I practically lived there, while perhaps I ought to have been looking forward to the future.

I miss the past, I really do. But I can't go on living there, because - and I know this sounds like a horrible cliché - it holds no future for me. My place is here, and now. And while I will always remember and honor the past, I must start thinking about the future. That is why I will go on, will fight to ensure that those images of the future will one day become a reality.

And who knows? Maybe, if I'm lucky, I'll even get to see this future for myself. With my own eyes, rather than just seeing illusionary glimpses of it. Whereas the past... The past is gone from this world, and no matter how hard I fight, it will never come back. It would be pointless to continue chasing it.


There is this place I know, where the rules of our world do not seem to apply. And while my little trip down memory lane has been really something, I can never return here.

_________________________________


Okay, so this is my almost-too-late, way-over-the-top entry for =kilara's Avian contest. For those of you who don't know, Avians are a species of sentient dragons which were made up by her.

So anyway, my entry for it is finally done. My rickety old computer pretty much almost died while I was working on it, and it took me well over a month to finish this puppy. I wouldn't have made it without the deadline extension, so thanks a lot for that, Kilara. I really, REALLY appreciate it.

'So what's the deal with this insane picture', you ask? (Especially since I had resolved not to enter any more crazy contests for a while.) Well, it all started back in April, when `Pyritie mentioned something about an 'Avian contest', whatever the heck that was. So I went to check it out, and the prizes were pretty much the main reason why this contest grabbed my attention. I mean, the winner gets to pick 15 prizes from a list of almost 60! How crazy is that? (So yeah, greed did have a little bit to do with why I initially entered this contest, lol.)

So then I went over the rules and checked out the characters we were supposed to draw. Most of the designs were pretty impressive, if a bit daunting for those wanting to draw them. But then I went to check out the competition, and I pretty much choked right then and there. There was some seriously impressive competition for this contest! I mean, some of the entries really are mind-bogglingy awesome, you wouldn't believe it. So that's when I realized that I probably wouldn't have much of a chance in this contest, unless I came up with something totally crazy. And at some point, in my mind I apparently decided that 'something totally crazy' means drawing all available contest characters. That's 21 moderately-to-insanely detailed dragons, people.

Now it seems I still have a degree of rationality left inside of me, because I kept questioning myself as I was sketching this thing, which by the way somehow kept getting bigger and bigger. I asked myself things like: "Do you really think it is a good idea to draw all of these characters in the same image? Won't it become a messy jumble? And aren't some of these characters supposed to be dead, or at least unable to interact with these other characters? And what is up with that funky perspective? You're not even doing it right! Oh, and do you really think your poor old pc can handle this kind of torture? Do you? And what makes you think you'll make it before the deadline? And what about all your other art? What about your webcomic? How will you find time for those, huh?"

But then there was also this over-enthusiastic not-so-rational voice in my head that went: "YES!! YES, I can do this, I can do this, I CAN DO THIS!! If I believe in it hard enough, anything is possible! GO GO GO GO GO!! BANZAAAIIIII!!!"

Guess who won? Turns out that after spending pretty much every single night of over a month drawing, I really can make (1) a crazy contest entry, (2) fulfil my most pressing artistic commitments, and (3) keep producing 2 comic pages per week. Don't ask me how, but it can be done. Apparently you just need to keep yelling 'Banzai' at yourself in your mind to get the job done. The three bars of dark chocolate may have helped too, though.
I'll admit that this picture did not turn out absolutely perfect, despite how long it took to make. The cliffs for instance don't really look too hot, even though I really tried to get 'em right. I'm usually pretty good at rocks, but the lag produced by trying to texture rocks made me finally stop trying. I hope it's not too disturbing. There are also some issues with the anatomy and the proportions. The perspective is a mess, but I'm hoping that won't be too noticeable. Despite its many shortcomings, though, I'm strangely content with this piece. I gave it my all, and whatever flaws it may have are not due to lack of effort, but are simply down to my current level of skills (and my laggy computer). So there.


Copyright info
- Avian species © =kilara
- Cain, Mizgarth, Exiel, Ophiuchus, Drejrael © =kilara
- Aeroh © *messa
- Ripha © `snowkatt101
- Nailmus © =Shinerai
- Vreyin, Shrike © =skysealer
- Pango © ~Tigermond
- Saiya © ~Foxchibi
- Iiotian © =Humingbird
- Tahlia © =Heilos
- Avyn © =RaveBinx
- Centra © *CentraDragon
- Giza © ~acidplush
- Esall © =Nayelis
- Amiera © !BladeEdgeRave
- Zhenya © =D-oubleHelix
- Deva © ~SilverPoot

Also present
- Uncia © me
- Keena © me
- A whale
- A bunch of fish
- A deer
- A small brown bird perching on a branch

You can check out my old WIPs (Work in Progress) here ([link]) and here ([link]).

To all Avian owners and/or judges of this contest: If you like, I can send you an even bigger version of this image. It doesn't look too great at full-size, but I can imagine that those of you whose Avians I drew a little small here, may want a bigger pic. Just send me a note and I'll send you a link to where you can find a bigger version.